Growing up, the background was my favorite place to be. I loved helping others stand in the spotlight.
In a group of friends, I’d be the quietest. But I was reliable, and that probably came from how I was raised. Being a first child, girl child and daughter to a pastor, you couldn’t afford to be anything but reliable and responsible.
I stayed on the good side of all teachers to avoid being called at random in class, I never raised my hands to answer questions whether I knew it or not, I also sat up front cause I figured they’d focus more on those who hid in the back. Most students believe the back of the class is the best hiding place but that would probably work best in an overpopulated room with a teacher who wants to be somewhere else.
I was that go to student for most of my classmates. Need a complete note? I have it. Need your note written for you? Sure I’ll have it ready in 24hrs. Need to prepare for a test or sit close to someone for a little help during a test? I got you. But outside of all that? I lived in my own world, hardly stuck around outside of school hours. Hardly visited people. I disappeared until the next general gathering.
In my home neighborhood, it was similar. I maintained a reasonable interaction with my age mates and some older teens, but I only said hi on my way to run errands and never invited people home, though there were some exceptions who would show up at my house anyway.
I just did not want to be seen, especially when 90% of the time I was seen, it was to be harassed by men(teachers included) who had no respect for their wives/girlfriends, guys who should be following ladies their age, nosy neighbors who wanted the tea on what went on inside our home, and teens my age who had no idea what boundaries were.
For someone who wanted to crawl into a cave and cease to exist throughout childhood and early adulthood, if you asked me today, I would tell you one of my biggest desires is to be seen.
But there’s a slight difference. To be seen, truly, clearly, genuinely.
Not as just another girl to pass time, or a convenience, not as someone to get things done cos you can’t, not the friend who is remembered only when a reliable person is needed. But as a living, breathing person, with heart, with soul. With dreams, and quirks, flaws and deep rooted pain.
To be seen as an unwritten song waiting for the right composition and form of expression before being belted out into the world.
I want to be seen for the right reasons, because I take extra care in seeing myself now, in seeing others, in seeing the world, one breath at a time.
I want someone to catch a glimpse of the embers burning low and be truly drawn in. "Oh, what’s the source of that little light?" And with each genuine touch, the wind blows the right way and the fires burn a little brighter, the flames warm up our little corner of this sometimes cold world.
A true circle is formed, one that is safe and home in all the best ways possible.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
